i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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