I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
