if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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