i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
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drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?