News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
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