i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
