Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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