The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
