dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
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