she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.