i'm signing you up for texting rehab
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
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Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
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I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.