I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
