I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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