I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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