last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
me + whiskey = a bad person
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off