There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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