If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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