Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
