Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
