A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
