I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
