I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I am spending my child support on dildos
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
