I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
