bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
