im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
