Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
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