Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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