do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
