does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
