There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
