ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
