Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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