Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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