1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
3 2 1 whiskey
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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