Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
