last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
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Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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