I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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