Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
