I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
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I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
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ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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