Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
