my soul wont recognize me after tonight
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
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