i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
