Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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