chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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