Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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