I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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