dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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