i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
