i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
