tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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