Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
