It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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