Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
i now understand why vodka
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
